last night as i was lying in bed, having closed my book about plot development, i started thinking about everything i know about leda and the swan. michealangelo. da vinci. first art featuring nudity i ever remembering being unembarrassed by and recognizing it as art. then the myth itself. zeus seducing leda. raping leda. birthing demigods alongside mortals. helen of troy. trojan horse. clytemnestra and all her crazy fuckery with agamemnon. the hubris of achilles and the fallout of what was, essentially, the birth of children born of rape. how does that correlate with my own ideals? how does that fit into modern society? how could it translate into today? does it have any parrallels with hester prynne? is this idea i have a regurgitation of some ancient thing, done well and masterfully over time and my own concepts feeble? i think that’s not fair to myself to start with for one, because it hasn’t been done by me, with my voice. not that i’m yeats or sophocles or hawthorne but that i’m me, and i have a lot to say about the usurping of a woman because she’s an object, and all that can disintigrate in the aftermath of that.
at any rate i fell to sleep with these thoughts wandering through my wrinkles, trying to mentally draw the family tree of leda and zeus. i dreamed strange dreams of chocolate pudding and making love with luigi. i wakened in the middle of the night with his warmth curled around me from shoulders to toes (he is by nature WARMER than i am, a human furnace i welcome these october nights) and fell directly back to sleep for the first time in months, maybe even years, that i have done so with no chemical additions. no benadryl, no melatonin, no dramamine, no ambien, klonopin, nothing. and though i joke about him snatching the covers off of me this morning, it made me laugh to play with him first thing, like a child, just tickling and fussing and hugs.
and then i realized, in the middle of the day, that every single body i love most dearly in the world, everyone i love is safe, and happy, and doing what makes them happy, and growing as people, and that everything is actually ok, within MY community, my immediate loves and family. and to not recognize that and be happy for and with them is wasteful and selfish. and that i am doing things i want to do as well. the doing is the thing. anais nin is misquoted as having said that good things happen to those who hustle and i haven’t hustled in a very long time. i have a hustle now. i have a goal. there is good.